So, let me get this straight, you strap on an electro-gizmonic thingy to a part of your body and it keeps track of movement, heart rate, blood pressure, cholesterol, ice cream preferences and trips to the refrigerator. It uploads all the mundane minutiae that create a snapshot of your overall health, a rich data portrait that several monster corporations would love to get their digi-fingers on but it doesn’t actually make you work out.
What the ducks???!
What good is a fitness device if it doesn’t make you exercise? Or eat an apple? (Wait for it…the apple app! No, forget it. Trademark issues.)
I mean, peeps, really. We all know the two things we need to do* and no amount of high-tech mega-measuring is gonna change it: Eat better and move more.
THAT’S IT!
Oh.
So unless you sell a device that either a) tips me off the couch whenever I sit down or b) sends a (mild) electric prod that forces me to choose broccoli instead of cheesy puffs, eh, I don’t see the point of it.
And do I really want everyone on the Internet to know how many trips I take to the refrigerator?
Oops.
*As stated on various official websites such as this one and this one, oh, and this one from Australia and this one from Canada and….well, you get it.
PS, I wrote this and then happened to read an article by Dale Lately in The Baffler which mentions this device. Satire just can’t keep up with today’s tech!
Copyright 2014, Lori Fontanes
What the Ducks! 
Funny. My husband once had health coverage that in order to get a discount you had to agree to having a human health care buddy (nurse) who would call a few times a year to coach you towards a healthy lifestyle.
The very nice lady began asking my husband questions about his eating habits. He gave her all the right answers, but he still couldn’t lose weight.
Just wait until Big Health starts requiring “smart” wristbands–we are living in Orwellian times, methinks. 😉
You, my dear, are a kindred spirit.
😀 !
I watched some one playing with their fitness tracker step out into the street right in front of an oncoming car, proving that exercise can be dangerous! I’ll stick to eating cheese puffs while sprawled on the couch where it’s safe.
😀 !
I am so with you on this! I watch my biking buddy every bike ride with her bike app. It records path, distance, cals burned , our mph. data for all rides etc…you get the picture. When we get to our cars she pulls out her phone and is there messing with her stats. I bike “au naturel” based on how my ride feels. How I feel. I enjoy the nature around me and all the beautiful sounds. As I try to pass walkers on the bike path they are all wired up on the river..I am yelling , “on your left” and they never hear me so I have to risk ( both of us) passing them—–great post!
I have encountred these “silly”devices( friends have them) and I am so with you
” device that either a) tips me off the couch whenever I sit down or b) sends a (mild) electric prod that forces me to choose broccoli instead of cheesy puffs” LOVE those CHEESY PUFFS!!!!
LOL…you made me laugh again–..I have to admit when my bike buddy pulls it out it is neat, but I am not going to run out and grab one…I am so embarrassed to admit..I have a “dumb phone”…..I don’t need a “smart phone” for I use my lap top + other devices to contact people, keep updated, or work..I don’t need another “pluggy thingy”…lol
Woo hoo! No more pluggy things! Is there a bumper sticker lurking in that cry? Thank you for reading and validating my POV. Not everything can be reduced to data (although many will try…) 😉
Oh my friend, I so agree. Why do we need these reminders? We already know what we are *suppose* to do. It’s the doing that’s the problem. I tell mommy that I prefer the 90-10% rule. 90% of the time I will eat my veggies and salads. But that 10% of the time – I need my animal crackers, gold fish and sweets. 🙂 XOXO – Bacon
Sweets 2 da sweet!!!
What an awesome picture of your duck at the top of the post! He (or she) has lovely feet.
I recently received a gift of some Apple-Nike wrist gadget to track my steps and I don’t know what else. I tried to politely tell the giver he had wasted $100. I would never use one of these. They look like the sort of thing you would wear while under house arrest.
I know, right? If were told we *had* to wear one, we’d make a fuss. (I think.) But I guess that goes for a lot of portable tech. We’ve cheerfully traded privacy and liberty for the sake of distraction and convenience. *sigh*