So, let me get this straight, you strap on an electro-gizmonic thingy to a part of your body and it keeps track of movement, heart rate, blood pressure, cholesterol, ice cream preferences and trips to the refrigerator. It uploads all the mundane minutiae that create a snapshot of your overall health, a rich data portrait that several monster corporations would love to get their digi-fingers on but it doesn’t actually make you work out.

What the ducks???!

What good is a fitness device if it doesn’t make you exercise? Or eat an apple? (Wait for it…the apple app! No, forget it. Trademark issues.)

I mean, peeps, really. We all know the two things we need to do* and no amount of high-tech mega-measuring is gonna change it: Eat better and move more.



So unless you sell a device that either a) tips me off the couch whenever I sit down or b) sends a (mild) electric prod that forces me to choose broccoli instead of cheesy puffs, eh, I don’t see the point of it.

And do I really want everyone on the Internet to know how many trips I take to the refrigerator?




*As stated on various official websites such as this one and this one, oh, and this one from Australia and this one from Canada and….well, you get it.


PS, I wrote this and then happened to read an article by Dale Lately in The Baffler which mentions this device.  Satire just can’t keep up with today’s tech!


Copyright 2014, Lori Fontanes